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We keep hearing from the anti abortion zealots and Fox (Not) News that “Oh yeah for sure if Planned Parenthood closes there will be gazillions, like literally gazillions and Brazilians of other healthcare options for women, like for sure, for sure…” I mean they make it seem as easy as getting a gun!

A few examples of people who have said this (just so you know we aren’t making this up;) are Eric Bolling (on Fox News O’Reilly Factor) “Penny, there are some 8,000 clinics where women can get treatment for other things other than abortion in America.”  And Gerri Willis (on Fox Business Network) who said “Here's my view on this: I think there are 10 times the number of community health centers out here…”

Having never heard of these amazing magical places we here at Lady Parts Justice League took a little looksie into the bounty of wonderful healthcare options that you didn’t even know existed. No really, our pleasure!

In fact, a website called GetYourCare dot org has been set up to let you know where all these wonderful alternatives to Planned Parenthood are located. If you scroll down the page you can see one of the sponsors of the site is the Pied Piper of pro-life wing-nuts, the astroturf research outfit Charlotte Lozier Institute (funded by Pro-Life org The Susan B. Anthony Foundation so you know they aren’t biased or anything). If you weren’t entirely clear about their eagerness to bring you a full range of quality care check the mission statement:

“Our Mission: GetYourCare.org is a resource brought to you by the pro-women & pro-life movements of America. Our goal is to give women everywhere in America access to information about the thousands and thousands of quality health care options women have.”

Let’s check out what they have listed as some of the commonly asked questions. You know, normal questions people ask when looking for a doctor, like, can I visit someone at The Salvation Army? FUN!

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Oh wow!!! What great fucking questions! For sure I’d love to swing by my local homeless shelter for a check up! They don’t seem understaffed at all (probably the same people cutting funding to them cut it from women’s health care — just a guess about the moral right’s values). And senior health centers?! Even your granny doesn’t like the care there: “I can change my own diaper!” Do they regularly dispense birth control there even I wonder? Have they ever once dispersed birth control pills there even?

As legitimate as legitimate rape, they have come up with some really legitimate “quality health care centers” for women. There are even a few prisons on the list. Oh, and don’t forget your local school. Feel free to swing by and ask the nurse for a breast exam. Or even one of the students I guess?

10-4! Got it! Message received GOP! The plan is to replace state of the art, first rate health care at Planned Parenthood with…Secondhand stores? The Local Soup Kitchen? The blood pressure machine at Rite Aid?

And let’s not forget to mention that none of these places provide abortion care. Let’s also not forget that roughly 1.21 million abortions were performed last year in the US. So I guess our best option is The Salvation Army then?! At least they have hangers.