Today we present a special guest message from Amber Johnson, Head of HORNY (Honoring Our Religious Nurturing Youth) Teens for Christ.

Hey kids! It’s BACK TO SCHOOL time! Time to learn, and grow, and make new friends, and COMPLETELY STIFLE ANY AND ALL OF YOUR RAGING HORMONAL URGES OR ELSE YOU’RE A DIRTY IRREDEEMABLE SLUT. Oh, and make memories that’ll last a lifetime! Ah, high school!

When your parents and grandparents’ generations went to school, they didn’t get the facts of life from their classes. They weren’t given the accurate information they needed to make major life decisions. And guess what? Neither are a lot of you!

Your parents and grandparents were told ridiculous lies about sex and their bodies by their classmates behind the school after class. Many of you are going to be told ridiculous lies about sex and your bodies by your teachers. IN school. During class. And paid for by taxpayers at the insistence of the Crotch Cops who run the current Department of Health and Human Services.

So let’s take a look at all the cool stuff this administration has planned for you!

Maybe you’ve already had some experience with “Abstinence Only” education. It basically told you to manage your burgeoning sexuality by telling yourself it wasn’t happening, and to fight that attraction to the opposite sex (unless you were LGBT, in which case you didn’t exist!) Obviously, that was stupid. So now, “Abstinence Only” is gone, replaced with “Sexual Risk Avoidance,” which is “Abstinence Only” with a great new name!

And about all those studies that say the impact of this stuff “may approach zero,” don’t worry—they’ve fixed that by spending $100 million on it this year!

What? You say you’re already having sex? YOU WHORE! But we have good news—included in the new plan is a program for “cessation support.” That means you’ll be lectured to stop having sex, which should work wonders, don’t you think?

Some of you may have been annoyed over the past few years by something from the Obama (BOO!) administration called the Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program that helped reduce teen pregnancy by 41% from 2010 to 2016. Well obviously, we got rid of that! The Trump DHH axed it as of this summer. But then legal busybodies at Planned Parenthood (DOUBLE BOO!) and other places sued, so it still exists for this year. But we’re working on it!

You may be worried that if you do get pregnant (CONGRATS! SOOO BLESSED!) you might get help and accurate information from Title X programs, which supply family planning for those without adequate access to it. Don’t worry! We’re doing everything we can to squelch the help AND the accurate information with a new Gag Rule!

Oh, and did we mention LGBT youth? Of course not! That was intentional. Never did, never will!

You’re all straight, none of you will have sex, and we can all look forward to a great school year!

HORNY Teens for Christ is a 501(c)3